


All the Devils Are Here

by anthonyedwardstark



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Angst, Depressed Steve Rogers, Depression, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Questioning Reality, Religion, Religious Discussion, Romance, Romance between Unhealthy Individuals, Steve Has Issues, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-03 09:59:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5286377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthonyedwardstark/pseuds/anthonyedwardstark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>“You really think this is Hell, Stevie?” Bucky asked.</em><br/> <br/><em>Steve was quiet for a moment.</em><br/> <br/><em>“I think it makes a lot more sense that I killed myself and woke up in Hell than it does I woke up in the future, fighting space aliens and fancy computers.” </em><br/><br/><em>Bucky nodded to himself.</em><br/><br/><em>“And you think I’m Lucifer himself?”</em><br/><br/><em> Steve half-smiled, “Well, you always were a handsome devil.”</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	All the Devils Are Here

**Author's Note:**

> "Hell is empty and all the devils are here." -William Shakespeare, _The Tempest_
> 
> My [Tumblr](http://anthonyedwardstark.tumblr.com/).

“Sgt. Wilson, Sgt. Barnes requests your assistance on the top floor,” JARVIS announced to the room crowded with most of the residents of Avengers' Tower. Only two were missing: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes.

Sam, who had just sat down in front of the television with a bowl of popcorn in his lap, sighed.

“Does it have to be right now? Or can it wait until after the game?” Sam asked.

JARVIS was silent for a moment before answering, “Sgt. Barnes says he needs you immediately.”

“Wait, ‘he said’? He spoke to you?” Sam asked, surprised.

“Sgt. Wilson, this is a matter of extreme urgency. Your assistance is imperative.”

Sam raised his eyebrows and looked around the room. Everyone else was as confused as he was.

He pushed himself out of his chair and walked to the elevator.

“Next floor up, please, JARVIS,” Sam said as he stepped in to the elevator.

* * *

 

“Hey there, Bucky. JARVIS says you asked for me?” Sam said, stepping out of the elevator.

Bucky gave no response. He grabbed Sam by the shoulder and dragged him to the glass wall that separated the apartment from the balcony. Sam realized why Bucky had called for him. Steve was sitting dangerously close to the edge of the balcony, his legs dangling over the side.

Sam looked at Bucky who stared back just as intensely.

“I’ll take care of it,” he assured Bucky.

Bucky gave a brusque nod and opened the door to the balcony. They both stepped out into the chill and Sam called out to Steve.

“Hey, Steve. How’s it going?” he asked.

Steve ignored him.

“What are you doing, man?”

Steve peered over his shoulder toward Sam and Bucky and then turned back around.

“I’m looking,” Steve finally answered.

“At what?”

“The city.”

“And what do you see?”

Steve paused before he answered, “Someplace I don’t recognize.”

“You doing all right?”

Steve shrugged. Sam walked to the edge of the balcony and leaned against the ledge, looking at Steve.

“Can I be honest with you, Steve?”

He gave a single nod in answer.

“Seeing you sitting on the ledge like this is making me real nervous, Cap.”

He glanced over at Sam, but made no moves to climb down.

“Steve?”

Steve looked up at the sky.

“Could you climb back over to this side of the ledge for me, Steve?”

He looked back down at the city.

“I think I’d rather stay here,” Steve said.

“Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you sitting on that ledge, man?”

Steve turned his head away from Sam.

“I… I’m tired, Sam. I’m just so goddamn tired.”

“ _Jesus Christ_. Alright. It’s completely okay to feel that way, Steve. But I need you to be honest with me right now. Have you been thinking about hurting yourself or killing yourself?”

Steve breathed out a huff of laughter.

“It’s too late for that. I already killed myself.”

“What?”

“You don’t remember? I flew a plane into the ocean. It didn’t stick. Or maybe it did. I don’t know.”

“Can you tell me what you mean by that, Steve?”

Steve stares blankly down at the city streets below.

“You know, when I was over there, all I could think about was coming home. About me and Bucky being back in Brooklyn, arguin’ over nothin’ and cussin’ at each other. New York City was all that kept me going sometimes, when all around me was people dying and bleeding and killing. 'Just make it outta this war and get back home' was all I could think most days.”

“You did make it back, Steve. You took the long way ‘round, but you’re home. You and Bucky. You’re both right here, in New York City.”

“Are we? I’m not so sure that we are.”

“I don’t understand what you mean. Can you explain it to me, Steve?”

“I mean this isn’t home. This is some place I never been before. Some foreign city in the place my city used to be. Maybe it is New York, but it ain’t the New York City I know. But maybe it’s not even New York City at all. I don’t know.”

“You’re really confusing me, man,” Sam admitted.

“I did a lot of bad things in my life, Sam.”

“I don’t think that’s true. I think you’re a really good man,” Sam replied.

“No. It is true. I ain’t a good person. I was always too proud and too angry and I wanted things I wasn’t supposed to want. I stole things, hurt people. Killed people. I… I’ve done a lot of things I shouldn’t’ve done.”

“I don’t think that’s the truth, Steve. But even if it is true, it doesn’t mean you have to die today.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Then what are you saying?”

“I’m saying maybe I’m already dead.”

Sam stood slack-jawed, “What?”

“Maybe I did die when I crashed that plane into the ocean. Maybe I killed myself and this is God’s punishment. Eternal damnation. Maybe this is Hell. It feels like it might be.”

“ _Oh, God_. Steve… Christ, Steve. Why do you think this is Hell?” Sam asked, shattered.

“The Bible… the Bible says Hell is torment for all eternity. And to tell you the truth, this world seems like nothing but torment to me. I wake up after dyin’ and the weapon I killed myself to keep the Nazis from using is being used by my own government. And then it gets used against the same city I died keeping it from. It’s like my death changed nothing, like it was all for nothing.”

Steve took a ragged breath and squeezed his eyes shut, forcing tears out, then continued, “I wake up and I finally get to go home, but I don’t really ‘cause it isn’t the right home. It all changed while I was gone. I wake up and the woman I love doesn’t recognize me most days, she’s got no clue who I am. I wake up and the man I love, _God help me_ , the man I love tries to kill me.”

“Fuck, Steve. How long have you been feeling this way?! Is there nothing about this century that you like? Nothing good about it?” Sam begged, allowing his tears to spill over.

Steve looked over at Sam.

“There’s some good things. You and Natasha are good.”

“Me and Natasha. God. Okay. That’s good. Me and Natasha. See, there are good things here. If this was Hell, why would there be good things? Why would the Devil let you have friends that care about you?”

“Because the Devil knows you need a little bit of happy so you can feel how bad the rest of it is. He knows you can’t feel hopeless unless sometimes you get just a little bit of hope then watch it disappear.”

“ _Christ_ , Steve. This is _so_ far above my paygrade. Jesus. Okay. Steve, are you listening to me? Because I need you to do that for me. I’m real and I’m here and I’m your friend, man. And I really can’t watch another one of my friends fall, so can you _please_ just climb down from that ledge so we can talk about this?” Sam begged.

Steve looked Sam in the eyes.

“Please,” Sam pleaded.

Steve took a deep breath. He looked back to Bucky who hadn’t moved his gaze away from Steve since the moment he had stepped back on to the balcony.

“Please,” Bucky gruffly said.

Steve nodded and climbed off the ledge. Sam stepped in close and put a firm hand on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry,” Sam said, eyes still wet.

Steve furrowed his brow and asked, “For what? You didn’t do anything wrong, Sam.”

His voice cracked as he replied, “I didn’t know. None of us did. We didn’t see how… how bad things were. And I’m sorry for that. We should be looking out for you better. We missed it and I’m sorry for that.”

Steve stared at him, uncomprehending.

“Come on, man. Let’s go back inside,” Sam said while directing Steve toward Bucky and the door.

When Steve got nearer to Bucky, Bucky reached out and put his left hand on Steve's upper arm, leading him into the apartment.

As soon as Sam slid the door shut behind the three of them and locked it, Bucky spoke.

“Computer?” he asked.

“Yes, Sgt. Barnes?” JARVIS replied.

“Don’t let Steve on the balcony anymore.”

JARVIS considered for a moment before answering, “As you say, Sgt. Barnes.”

Sam interjected, “And let someone know if he tries to go out there, JARVIS.”

Steve clenched his jaw.

“Very well, Sgt. Wilson,” JARVIS responded.

Sam turned to Steve, “We need to talk. We need to make some decisions about what happens next. And I think you probably should eat something. You too, Bucky. I know this has been… draining. For all of us. So let’s go down to the common floor. I’ll make you guys some food and then we can talk. Sound good?”

Bucky and Steve both nodded, Bucky still gripping Steve’s right arm. They stepped onto the elevator and rode it down one floor.

When they stepped off the elevator, an unnatural hush enveloped the room. The rest of the Avengers who were all in the living room with the television muted looked their way, clearly taking note of Sam’s red-rimmed eyes, Steve’s blank expression, and Bucky’s grip on Steve.

“You two go sit at the table. I’ll go make us some food,” Sam said to Steve and Bucky as he walked toward the kitchen.

Bucky nodded.

“I’m hungry,” Natasha announced. She then stood up and followed Sam into the kitchen.

“Come on,” Bucky murmured as he prodded Steve toward the dining table and gently pushed him into a chair.

Steve looked down at the table, expression still vacant.

Bucky stared at Steve as though he thought that Steve might disappear the moment Bucky looked away.

After a long silence, Bucky asked the question that was weighing so heavily on his mind.

“You really think this is Hell, Stevie?” he asked.

Steve was quiet for a moment.

“I think it makes a lot more sense that I killed myself and woke up in Hell than it does I woke up in the future, fighting space aliens and fancy computers.”

Bucky nodded to himself.

“And you think I’m Lucifer himself?”

Steve half-smiled, “Well, you always were a handsome devil.”

“That a yes, then?”

“No. I don’t think you’re the Devil. I think you’re his greatest creation,” Steve said.

Bucky just stared at him.

“You’re his _Pietà_ , his masterpiece. Now, Peggy was… cruelty. The woman I love, lived a life without me, and now I see her and I never know if she knows me or not. Never know if she thinks anytime has passed at all. I didn’t think the Devil could do any better than that, hurt me any worse than that.”

Steve bit his lip.

“Then you show up. The man I love, back from the dead like it’s some goddamned miracle. Except it can’t be the Lord’s work because I never know if the next time I see the man I love, I’ll be the man he loves most or the man he wants to kill. Never know if I’m getting the monster or the man. And that’s… that’s real torment. Worse than I ever thought the Devil could manage. But I guess that’s why he’s the Devil.”

They sat next to each other, avoiding eye contact.

It was Bucky that broke the silence.

“I think the same thing most of the time. That this has gotta be Hell. ‘Cause that’s the only way life could hurt this bad,” he said.

Steve looked over at him.

“I never wanted to be a killer. Never woulda fought that war if it hadn’t been for the draft. And when I got there, they told me I was a natural. Like bein’ able to shoot a gun is some kinda accomplishment. Like killin’ is something to be proud of. Always told myself that it was different ‘cause it was war and they were Nazis, but it never did sit right with me.”

Steve closed his eyes, squeezed them tightly shut.

“Then I died. Except I didn’t die ‘cause I woke up. And it was pain and torture like nothin’ you ever imagined. And then it was nothing but numb except for a few moments of… just this awful sense of knowing. Realizing what I was doing, that it was people I was killing. And knowing that in just a little while I’d forget it all again. Until the next time I remembered. Knowing that for the rest of eternity, I was gonna do nothin’ but kill people and feel nothin’ about it except for those awful moments when I did. Thought that had to be hell.”

“Sounds plenty like Hell to me,” Steve spoke softly.

“Finding you here made me all the more sure. ‘Cause now I got this memory of lookin’ right in the eyes of the love of my goddamn life and not having a clue who he is. And I got this memory of staring straight at him and shootin’ him over and over and over. And that sorta thing don’t happen on God’s Green Earth, so I know this has gotta be Hell and you gotta be the work of the Devil, here to punish me for my sins.”

They both look anywhere but at each other.

“Maybe not. Maybe you’re not the work of the Devil. Maybe I’m not either. Maybe we’re both really here, in our worst possible ways, so we can remind each other of our sins and how we earned our spots in Hell,” Steve said.

“Maybe you’re right.”

“Maybe I am.”

“It was worth it though. I wouldn’t trade a single second of it,” Bucky said, looking straight into Steve’s eyes while he slipped his hand into Steve’s.

Steve gave him a sad, uneven smile.

“An eternity in Hell for a decade of lovin’ you? I’d choose it every single time, sweetheart. Don’t ever doubt that,” Steve murmured.

He intertwined his fingers with Bucky’s and raised the back of Bucky’s hand to his lips.

“I loved you in the last life, Buck, and I’ll love you in this one,” he whispered into Bucky’s hand.

“I’ll love you in this life too, angel.”


End file.
